[image description: there are two photos of ben side by side, in the right he is about 17, wearing a grey top and jogging bottoms, he is slim and his hair is disheveled and blue. In the left ben is fatter and smiling, he has purple and blue hair, he’s wearing a Last Podcast on the Left too with a patch covered jacket, black jeans and he’s using a stick. The photos are captioned, struggling on the right and recovering on the left]
Recovery bodies come in all shapes and sizes. I’m only now coming to terms with my recovery body after years of fighting bulimia nervosa 💪🏻 since starting to recover I’ve gained a lot of weight but that’s only because I’m not denying my body of nutrients and making it think it’s in a famine. At the start I found the weight gain hard to deal with, I’ve had many relapses but joining the BoPo community and learning about diet culture and fat phobia properly has helped so much.
Cw: eating disorder and self harm talk
I wouldn’t say I’m recovered, I’m for sure a lot healthier than I was a few years ago. I’d say I’m a survivor.
I’ve survived my eating disorder where a lot of people don’t. Eating disorders have the highest mortality rates for any mental illness. I didn’t come out the other side unscathed, I have scarred knuckles, acid reflux and stomach problems that I need medication for and I have chipped teeth. But I survived and I’m going to keep that up.
I went on my first diet in year 7, I must have only been 11, because maybe if I lost some weight the bullying would stop. I grew up being bullied at school about my weight, I learnt that fat was something no one should be. I didn’t learn that being cruel was worse, I thought my fatness was worse than their bullying. I started self harming when I didn’t lose weight, I made my brain learn that gaining or not losing weight meant pain. That my fat body was something to punish. I just want to go back to that kid and give him a hug. No one should feel that they need to punish themselves for the body they ever. Never.
I was only 13 the first time I made myself sick and that was because of the bullying I’d received at school, I learnt from pop culture that throwing up would make you skinny. I now can’t actually remember the last time I relapsed into purging food.
I’ll never forgive those boys for what they said to me, for how they put me down and made me feel so much pain. My recovery/survival and love of my fat body is the biggest fuck you I can give them (without violence of course).
We should be teaching our children that being racist, homophobic, transphobic, cruel etc is the worst things people can be, not fat. If you told kids it was okay to bully people because they had blue eyes people would think you’d lost it. So why say it’s okay or even normal to bully people because of their size. Fat should not be used as an insult. Fat isn’t even an insult. I learnt in my late teens to reclaim queer as my own. Now I’m reclaiming fat. It can’t hurt me any more. I won’t hurt me any more.
I’m only going to lose weight for my health, to take pressure off my joints in the hope that helps with my pain and mobility. I’m not losing it because I hate the way my body looks. Not any more. And I’m doing it my way, healthily with no ‘diets’ and no ‘goal weight’. I love me now.